Dedicated to the scum of Britain

On the 12th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me:
12 chavvers chavving,
11 prammers pushing,
10 lads joy-riding,
9 ladies drinking,
8 midriffes showing,
7 scallies stealing,
6 teens a-laying,
5 sovereign riinngggs,
4 stolen phones,
3 navel studs,
2 tracksuit tops
and a Pikey in Burberry
and after that moment of song i introduce you to:

The Chav nativity…
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?)
She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oo you lookin at?’
Gabriel just goes ‘You got one up the duff, you have.’
Mary’s totally gobsmacked.
She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper.
I never bin wiv no one!’
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who’s six months gone herself. Liz is largin’ it. She’s filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an’ that.
She’s like ‘Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I’m well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an’ that we is gonna get.
‘Mary goes ‘Yeah, s’pose you’re right’
Mary an’ Joe ain’t got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an’ go dahn Bethlehem on that.
They get to this pub an’ Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an’ that.
But there ain’t no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an’ Joe break an’ enter into this garridge, only it’s filled wiv animals. Cahs an’ sheep an’ that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They’re like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus’, an’ say they’re wise men from the East End.
Joe goes: ‘If you’re so wise, wotchoo doin’ wiv this Frankenstein an’
myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?’
It’s all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an’ sez he’s got another message from this Lord geezer.
He’s like ‘The police is comin an’ they is killin’ all the bay-bees. You
better nash off to Egypt.’ Joe goes ‘You must be monged if you think I’m goin’ dahn Egypt on a minging donkey’
Gabriel sez ‘Suit yerself, pal. But it’s your look out if you stay’.
So they go dahn Egypt till they’ve stopped killin the first-born an’ it’s safe an’ that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an’ Jesus turns water into Stella.
Happy Crimbo

Posted by Sam Posted in: General No Comments » November 2005

Pancakes, Beer Night and Famous People

So long since an update. Oh well its not like I have too. Anyway much has happened since I last updated, and to be honest I really can’t be bothered to type it all out so I’m going to concentrate on stuff I have photos for.
Firstly though I have to say I have never experienced cold like I have done the last few days. Heres the current weather as displayed on Google.

It’s fucking minus 2 with a freezing fog and strong winds. How does that happen? Suffice to say it was really, really cold cycling home at 2am. Why was I cycling home at 2am I hear you cry? Actually your probably not but the answer is that I have been working.
Tonight was the National Television Society awards and as such the hotel was buzzing with loads of soap stars and famous people I recognised off the telly. The best bit was seeing the news readers not acting as serious as they do when they’re live and generally shouting a lot. (I think that might have been the serious amount of wine they drank). Anyway the best bit by far was the fact that since I was one of the only barman on all night I was singled out by Mr Johnny Vegas as his personal barman and as such was pouring pints of Guinness and Double Vodka with Coke for him all night. Was really weird serving somebody that is known for his drink especially when he orders exactly what he appears to drink on the telly. I have to also point out that his missus was really hot as well, so it goes to show that having no voice, smoking like a chimney and drinking vodka like its water, (I served him at least 7 shots over the night), doesn’t mean you don’t get an attractive wife.
Away from work now, and back a few days (or weeks) when Me, Nick and Mel had a pancake night where we managed to eat about 30 pancakes between us. Was well fun. I won’t pretend that I really get involved apart from eating the finished things and doing the washing up as Mel and Nick have it down to a tee. Basically they used to cook them every Friday last year so Nick mixes the mixture and Mel with the help of his special Pancake pan cooks the things. Suffice to say they are delicious with some lemon and sugar and if you’re feeling adventurous a bit of chocolate spread doesn’t go wrong. Anyway Mel has been bugging me to put the photo up sp here’s the link to the pancake night photo.
This last week was the beer festival at UMIST where you can get loads of random beers for very little money and then proceed to get truly wasted for charity. Its awesome. Anyway I had planned to go out to the festival on the Friday night however when I went into work on the Wednesday only to be told the shift had been re-scheduled to Friday it meant I wasn’t going to get to go this year. To make up for it me and Pete decided to go to the local shops and get 9 of the most random beers off the shelves and have our own mini beer festival watching some movies. Here you can see all the beers we bought for the event. Most of them are pretty normal but some of them were really weird and some tasted of really, really sweaty ass. Anyway as things progressed and Me and Pete got more wasted we decided to order some pizza as you do so here’s a picture of Pete ordering some pizza from our great Takeaway wall.
Finally here’s a picture of me and Pete laid out on the floor and bed ready to pass out and sleep. I would like to point out that after this photo I just passed out and slept till about 4am when the belt I was wearing proved too much pain for my crotch and I had to take my clothes off. What a night it was.

Posted by Sam Posted in: General No Comments » November 2005

« Previous Entries